I’ve said all I can say. I’ve begged all I can beg. I’ve demeaned myself. I’ve embarrassed myself. I’ve mad a complete and utter fool of myself so young and naive Kim. As much as it hurts and as much as I cry it’s over, I just really hope we stick to our end of the deal. It makes it easier for the both of us.

And if I didn’t have any motivation to look for a new job I just had a burst. Sighs. It’s really over.

Bittersweet.

Graduation was yesterday. As I walked across the stage family cheering me on I felt so proud, not for myself but for them. This is what they wanted, I’m not saying I don’t want a college education but I’m saying its not who I am now, but I have it. So that’s just that. It was also bittersweet because I looked at all the things I came to college with and all the things I lost. I found friendships, memories, love, lust, sex, drugs, alcohol, faith all in one place…all at different times. I lost just as much in friendships, love, lust and gained pain but also a sense of self and just maybe I’m starting to realize who I really am. 

Most important I gained the thing that makes the most sense in my life right now. Out of all my thoughts yesterday the recurring theme was how he couldn’t be there with me. We all know why he couldn’t be there, but in that moment across the stage with him being non-existent, I couldn’t do it without him. I can’t bare the thought of him just not being in my life anymore. 

I know I’m putting a lot of faith in this one man but I have never had a feeling so clear in my life that screams this is it. I try to be as patient and understanding as I can be with him and his situation but how much longer until I burst? 

A few months ago he asked me where do we go from here. I told him I’m not asking to be with him, I’m not asking for his love, I’m not asking for dates…just time. I told a lie. I’ve been asking myself did I really know then I was lying. I’m asking for it all now. It’s not fair that I have to give up the one person that means so much to me. 

But life isn’t fair. I never get the things I want in life so might as well stop crying about it now. He’s built me up so much, but I won’t let him bring me back down. 

On another note…

Writing this tumblr makes me want to write. I’m not crazy about writing but I am crazy about giving advice. Right or wrong. Sinful or not. I love talking about relationships of those around me and mine whether its my love life or friendships or family life. It’s something about the dynamics and human interaction. How we go thru life with highs and lows. The people that influence us the people that make us who we are. The poisonous relationships we loved but let go…the wonderful relationships we ruin because of our ego. It’s pretty fascinating so that means my book is fully in the works. Giving myself until August to have a rough copy complete. Also while cleaning to move I saw some journals a friend and I use to keep. I haven’t read them in a long time. I actually hid them from myself because it was painful memories and I do my best to destroy that part of my life …still do at times. One of my friends saw it and wanted to look thru them. I had never let anyone look thru. I guard my words and life so personal at times its really hard to let someone have a piece of you even an old piece, but if I’m really going to write a book I’m letting  thousands, hopefully, of people in so why not start here. She thought it was amazing the inner words of 16 year olds talking about crushes, girls they hated, how school just sucked and how their parents would never understand them. Bittersweet memories. It was the first time in a long time I looked back with positiveness on that situation. I realized I hid those books because I had so much regret about the situation. I’m going to sit down and read them soon myself, but I know I want to get them published. I don’t know why yet and I don’t know what good if any will come from them books but I do know its a part of my life I don’t want to hid anymore… 

I’d been having these dreams lately of tornados. I use to have them all the time when I was younger usually before a big event in my life. Always those happenings were bad. So when I had these dreams recently I knew something was coming. I don’t know if it’s over but my life has been in the pits until recently. Last Friday to be exact. I realized a lot that day I needed to let some people go in my life. I can only have the same conversation with a person so much …it was time to let that go. Before I would have said oh no not that or I’d be rather sad about it but the minute I came to my decision a big weight was lifted. Like I could relax. This particular person was always the person I use to go to for exciting things but I realized how I went to my mom more and my friend OT. I guess I just realized how this person was keeping me down and sometimes in life you need to be around ppl that lift you up. Six years gone but I can say I don’t regret you truly learn something from every person and I can honestly say I’ll never have that type of friendship again. So I closed that door.

Opening new ones…OT. Just for being there through thick and thin. Someday I’ll tell you I’m sorry for misjudging you but for now thanks.

Also a lot of ish happened with HIM. None I care to re-harsh at the moment but I’m at peace…for now. Not closing the door but leaving it half way open.

12 days until graduation. :)